My brain chemistry has been altered for the last four weeks, and it has been the most refreshing experience ever. You never know when you need fresh air until you get it. Dating, in some aspects, can be the most ghetto experience known to men and women ever. Just with my own experiences, I can honestly say it has been somewhat of a shit show. It’s been a lot of inconsistent behavior, some unplanned dates, a few “Netflix and chill, hell, even some flowers and a few dinners. It wasn’t all bad, but it wasn’t the best.
Over the last year, I decided to require more of what I want from the dating scene. I cut those off that didn’t give me what I desired. Even after dating someone for eight months, after what seemed to be countless conversations on how I wished to be loved went ignored, I walked away from that with my head held high. I didn’t feel any way, nor was I sad. At 40 years old, I was proud of myself. I, for once, choose me. I decided to be more intentional if I wanted to find the love that I desired. However, the dates didn’t just get better all of a sudden. You know you still have to kiss a few frogs.
But what did get better was the men that I attracted. Once I stopped accepting less than I deserved, more men who could meet my desires and needs appeared. You never know what you attract until you change your mindset and what you allow. Allowing a very bare minimum isn’t new. Women and men have done it for ages. What I learned in therapy about myself is I accepted less because I didn’t think what I was getting was a problem. I didn’t know the bare minimum was terrible because I wanted to believe they were trying their best. When all in all, I didn’t know my worth; I allowed my daddy issues to take over every relationship that I was in. The love that I was searching for from my biological father, I was looking for in men that didn’t even amount to what I truly needed for my soul.
What can I say? Therapy got me through some difficult and dark times. Reflecting on past relationships, I know why I accepted less than what I deserved because I didn’t value who I was, and I didn’t love myself. Men physically, mentally, and emotionally abused me. I thought they loved me, and I lost myself.
After lots of therapy, self-reflection, self-love, and self-awareness, I understand more about how I want and deserve to be valued. It has been one of the most refreshing experiences for me. I never understood how I got so lost, but this new me, I liked the new Mo’. I love her confidence, openness, and attempts to communicate efficiently and effectively when dating. I like that she knows what her self-worth looks like now. How many can say that they have experienced this? I can confidently say I love it here. I hate that it took until I reached my 40s to love myself properly, but maybe that should have been touched more when I was younger. Not to anyone’s fault, but that’s life, right?
The standard isn’t set in stone because it will change with time and experience. So even though I’m not in love yet, please know I am very aware!