How cliche it is to say that life is funny sometimes. Hell, cause after 37 years here on this earth, I’ve enjoyed the laughs that life has thrown me. But this experience wasn’t the laugh I was looking for you. I was looking for that happily ever after. You know that Darius and Nina type love. The love no one understood but respected where it was going. The love that could be felt from anywhere because you knew it was real. That Ciara prayer type love lol, yeah that. 


Whelp that’s no what the hell I got. Where is the line for returns I got some shit I want to give back. Cause you see, I never expected to meet this fine man the way that I did. No one ever falls up in my DMs, and I mean NEVER. So this has started in unfamiliar territory because that never happens to me. But it did, and it didn’t seem as awkward as I thought. He was handsome and of course, charming. Okay, okay, he may have impressed me. But this was just hello, the real test has yet to be completed. Cause I just looked at his profile, and this nigga is 28! Here goes God again with his jokes. Now, what am I supposed to do with this Lord? I told God my plan, and he, in return, laughed. Because a year and some change later I’m in love, silly me. 


Moving along. So after some intriguing conversation, I was asked out on a date. I know this young man is trying to impress me, but in reality, he was doing a great job I couldn’t even lie. So okay, I’ll go on this date, but little did I know that would be the day he would steal my heart. Because we went on not one date but a few dates, and each one was different from the last. They always began with door opening and compliments followed up by eye gazing and hand-holding. This young man is winning me over! But I would never admit it. 


The more time we spent together, the more in denial I became, so I begin to push away. I was too smooth for this, so I choose to review my options because not I’m fighting myself in this battle that I clearly wouldn’t win. After some time, I did what I always seem to do with, which is pushing him away. The sparks and twinkle had all faded away. Great! Because I’m 37 and he’s 28, there’s no way he was serious about me, right? 


Per the usual, I found someone else to take my mind off of him. You know, out of sight out of mind. But it was a struggle cause he was always on my mind. But after a hot girl summer, I had done some things that he didn’t like. Wasn’t my intent, but when you’re used to self-sabotaging every aspect of your life, shit happens that way. So even though I wasn’t looking to push him away, I did. 


A blow to his ego is definitely what this was. Unfortunately, some pills are a lot harder for men to swallow, and from what I had heard in his voice after months of being absent, I hurt him. He hardly let me see it, though. He put on a smile and pressed on, but the vibe was different now, and I could tell that I may have lost him just a little. At this point, I continued to do me without any worry about him or how he felt. Time moved on, and the universe was determined to put us back together. So now we have both (after more time) circled back. 


His head isn’t here. That initial vibe has been lost, but something keeps him around, holds him close to me. Despite how mad he is or how sorry I am, neither one of us can seem to shake each other. So here we are, almost two years from our first date. Suppressing our feelings masked in sex, even though he’s physically here, emotionally he has moved on. Ouch! What a major blow. He opened up another chapter in his life after closing mine. That twinkle in his eye that he had for me he now has for her. He’s in love. 


I mean really in love. I can see it in his face. He smiles when he speaks of her. He gets excited when she calls his phone. He talks about all these beautiful things he wants to do with and for her, just like he did with me. Damn 

But despite him being in love, he can’t shake me. I’m a drug feeding his old high because he wasn’t appropriately rehabilitated after me. I left cold turkey, and he was still trying to reach that high. So despite his newfound love, we still have a thing. A thing I don’t want to have. I don’t want to compete for his love, but that’s where I am now because every day, I see I’m losing him, and I may never get him back. He’s happy, and I have to be okay with that, even if it’s not with me. 


Because at this point, I’m still in love with him, and he’s slowly getting over me. So I throw in my white flag. I can’t force anything that isn’t there. I had my chance, and instead of listening to my heart, I allowed things that had no relevance to push me away from him. As hard as it will ever be to admit, I fucked up. But I’ll bow out gracefully Because I don’t want to be in love with him while he’s in love with her.