christmas 2010

I looked at her smile today and I thought, “it’s so much I want to tell you.” Watching her grow before my eyes has been an adventure and there’s so much I want to tell you. I can’t pen this without so much pain in my heart as the tears stream down my face, because there’s so much I want to tell you. I know you’ll never understand how I feel and we may never get the chance to sit down face to face, so here’s what I want to tell you. 

Birthing a baby at 21 was the biggest milestone in my life and I couldn’t have imagined how it was going to change me. I loved somebody else more than I loved myself. I’m someone’s mom! Man, how could that be lol. I’m raising a queen right before my eyes but the only hiccup is you stepped away at the most precious time of her life. You never watched her coo or crawl. You missed that first step and tooth. Not to mention that 911 call or busted lip that ended with stitches. Lol 

I read to her every night because my grandmother said, “Make her smart”, but yea somehow you missed that too. The first words, the potty training yea you skipped that too. Just to think she learned to say MY name. I never knew she would say “Monique Rose” more than me. But the biggest joy would have been just to hear her say your name too. 

I remember that acceptance letter from C T Walker, it was just the two of us in the post office parking lot as I opened it and read those words I couldn’t stop screaming and crying,  hell if you only knew. She said, “Mommy don’t cry it’s just a school!” I told her,” baby one day you will understand why mommy wants you in this school.”  Year after year award after award I can’t believe how smart she is, man if YOU only knew.  She’s reading at 3rd grade level Ms. Rose, she’s reading at a 4th grade level Ms. Rose, I’m so proud what about you??? 

Her mannerisms are great…. she’s a joy to have… her teachers loved to share their day. But my deepest desire was to have you here just to brighten up her day. 

She’s older and that’s a trip because her talents and intelligence are just shining through. But she has an opinion now and I knew this day would come because now she wants to tell you. How much she wanted you at that dance, how much she wished to see you more, that if you just would’ve called more, hell a little goes a long way. 

I want to tell you I’m hurt… I’m upset… I’m disappointed yea I’m mad as hell too. I believed in you, I rooted for you, hell I needed you too. Not for me but for her, not us but for her cause little girls need their daddy’s too. To tell her she’s smart, she’s funny but most of all she’s beautiful too. 

I pray that at 12 she understands that this was not the plan that we set back in 2003. It was you and I and  now it’s just she and I!  Yea, this doesn’t seem like what it should be. But I’m better now, I’m wiser now and I know I’ve done the best I could do. But I hope that she’s just as kind and sincere when she looks at you says, “This is what I want to tell you!”